Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Innate

Photos are by Kollin Bliss
I can't move them for some reason. They just want to sit here. I tried several times deleting and reloading em. Anyways e-mail goodies for the sharing!


From Merriam-Webster Online (first Google result): Innate
1 : existing in, belonging to, or determined by factors present in an individual from birth
2 : belonging to the essential nature of something
3 : originating in or derived from the mind or the constitution of the intellect rather than from experience

Ironically (?) the google ad was for a website about birth defects.

You may wanna skip to the end now since this post is the result of a week long simmer. For those who wonder, it has nothing to do with the boy. He is one of the few who is immune.

I have an innate inability to participate in the ego stroking that is a part of building and maintaining a friendship. Most would call it warm pleasantries. The occasions when i do push my qualms aside and offer the words or gestures being sought rather than my own true reactions, I can not do so honestly. I do know that part of what "friends do" is lie to each other when needed. Think abut that tho. You want someone to lie to you? It happens more often than you'd like to admit to yourself. I already have self issues. Knowing that people are more likely to lie to me than honestly offer their opinions only makes it worse. I do not believe that saying something nice when there is nothing of substance to say is a positive thing. I also do not build friendships on a foundation of attraction; Horrible idea. That's not a friendship it's a search for a weak moment with ulterior motives. I get the only wanting what you ask for and not wanting unsolicited opinions or thoughts. But when you are soliciting, you better be specific around me or you'll get what i smell. If you really need to hear something specific from me, do tell and I'll be much warmer when approached honestly. I am quick to bristle and often don't hesitate to snap. But I am honest. I promise to always be honest with you, myself and everything. If you can't handle honesty back the fuck off. I am not generous with warm proddings and ego strokes because i am offended to be expected to give them like currency for attention. I worry that the expectation of such is a reflection of my own actions. Do i come across as needing that much (that kind even) attention? Does my admission of enjoying being seen incriminate me as being desperate for any and all attention from those who like to look? I shy away from those with fragile egos because i won't be able to placate their needs. Call it laziness, but i don't have the energy to spare for that.




Again, old words and old thoughts


Jester


destruction

carelessness

you their child

The jester of my.

You weave a web in silver moonlight.

invisible,

ethereal,

powerful

You are my stupidity

my protection

my confusion

my selfishness

my innocence

2 comments:

Dave Levingston said...

My best friends are the ones I know will be honest with me. That's the foundation of a great friendship. It's ok with me to be nice, but honesty is a lot more valuable.

Stephen said...

Wow, I don't know if I want to know what set that off. I just hope it's better now ;))
my preference --- don't be tooo honest with me ;) Ego strength maybe 7 out of 10, but still....
I find paradoxically, that when I'm "honest" about other people (usually only with family), more often than not, I'm projecting my own issues. So there needs to be a damn strong relationship established to work that out after the (my) shit hits the fan. hmm... got me thinking ;))
I'll email my main question
cya