Thursday, January 7, 2010

In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!

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