Sunday, January 18, 2009

An answer to William Inge fans everywhere...

The boy and I have deliberated the possibilities of moving back east on and off since our service term ended in '07. Since Americorps was truly the only obligation keeping us out here, there has been no solid reasons for staying. My family is almost entirely on that coast, his as well. Other factors weighed in as well like job and school opportunities, public transportationn use, nearness to museums and, stuff. Things are turning out for this move to be much sooner than anticipated. After a bit of work on the truck, (winter wear and some vandalism where the rear window was smashed) we'll be on the road by the end of the first week of February.

My feelings on this move are mixed. On one hand we are very happy out here. We keep to
ourselves and seldom "do things" so are content to be at home with the kitties during the long winter. (there's 2 seasons here: Cold and August) Seriously, it's beautiful here, breathtakingly so. The lack of mcmansion style homes and living was refreshing. The bustling and hustling of big city expectations are far away. It feels isolated, and small things (often big things too) remind you of that constantly. The mountains break everything up and mail takes an extra day to get here. On the other hand it's been tough. Partly because of the challenge living in MT presents to a young couple. And I mean that in a purely personal compared- to- the- idealistic- situation kind of tough. I know how good we got it. It's a long and far way from home and all the various forms of support family offers. There's been no opportunity to save or pay off small debts. So every little unplanned thing has built up to a nice deep hole, regardless of how carefully we budget and scrimp. We're the way my dad puts it "poor as church mice." But church mice are cute and cuddly right? We're not totally isolated like I make it sound. He has family locally that have been a great support and comfort. Also his parents have visited twice and flown us back twice. My own parents were never able to make it out here tho. I've seen my father twice in the nearly three years it'll be by the time we get back. In that time he's been divorced and now recently engaged. That means I missed the funnest part! The courtship! A Dad in courtship is about the best thing ever to watch.

Oy there's the brother. I'm angry at him. I'm angry at myself. Mostly I'm very hurt and sad. He's 19, will be 20 come March, and is very much still growing up. It is inexcusable the way things have turned out. The year I left was the start of my brother's senior year of high school. Because for some, him especially, that is such a fragile and turbulent age/time in life it has caused a rift in our relationship. Like most relationship "issues" the heart of it is lack of trust. He has been unable to trust that I am and always will be there for him when he has needs however small. He feels that I abandoned him at the most important time in his life. Whatever the truth or source of that statement, it is truly how he feels. He has cut out my parents from his life as much as he can (stand?) preferring to spend his time with his "real family," a group of friends. My opinion of these friends is biased, as is my right as "older sister," and judgmental. He's been angry and distant with me. Any time we spoke on the phone the conversation had to follow the most shallow of topics lest I accidentally say anything that could come across as judgmental.

This past summer I had a chance to be in VA for a week. When it was cut down to 4 days by airline flight cancellations, he took no time off from work since I was there to visit our father and not expressly him. He still wanted me to meet his gf and future roommates. I pushed everything to the side and agreed to go "hang out" in whatever way he preferred. This ended at 5am in the driveway speaking to each other through cell phones as an emotional barrier. I love him so very much and nothing will every change that. I can't make him understand that no matter how physically far away I am, he is still my brother and if he needs me I will be there. I don't know how to express this to him any further than telling him straight (which is what I did and always do, if I feel it I tell it.)

I've got to get back to sorting my spare computer parts into working-no-longer-Need!, working-still-Need!, not working-could-be-used-in-artsy ways, and not working-trash! That last one is the hardest, the parts in the first category will at least find good homes. I can do this, I once found a guy to take the 20 computers I had sitting in the spare room for over a year. He makes "robots" and sells em in his coffee shop. Great guy.. wonder if he's needing more parts? Here's photos from the petting zoo "back home" I went there with the brother, gf, and boy during the previously mentioned trip. This little guy was doing laps. Round and round and round. I think the heat was getting to him.

I totally love lemurs.

I have no idea what these guys really are, but they look like pancake-bear-cats to me. Oh and I really want one, because a pancake-bear-cat is awesome!

Lamb! Soft. But not as soft as llama! yes, yes out of focus. bleh

This cock was a twitchy fellow, he kept staring me down then twitching as took a photo. He was pretty tho.

This guy was trying to be a scapegoat.

Shiny pretty beetles!

These guys were sooo soft.

I swear this is the boy trying to get the ostriches to break my camera. I was still petting llamas.

The babies were so cute. So fun to watch all stumbly, and unsteady. The heat really was killer with the humid stickiness of a southern summer.

Ah.. the boy has just shared something truly wonderful with me: It appears to be an USB boob warmer. Any thoughts on this incredible device are most welcome. Wonder why they couldn't get a real girl to wear it?

1 comment:

just a girl said...

Such is the way of older sisters and younger brothers. I know, I am an older sister. My little brother just turned 40 years old a few days ago and I turn 42 years old in a few more days.

Through the years, we have gone through times where we were distant from one another, both physically and emotionally. We've just come through a couple of years of distance and are growing close again. I missed him. I am sure he missed me.

Your brother is at a hard hard hard age still. My guess is he knows, where it truly matters, that should he ever truly need you that you would be there. And if he has forgotten that? Time and circumstance will remind him.

Trust in time. Good luck with the move! If you come through AR, give a holler and I'll feed you guys, and the kitties, a meal.