In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!

Cirque du Soleil Favorites

In thanks and inspiration to iMonstrosity's post earlier today (yesterday now) I'm sharing the two acts i've found in my internet rambles to be ... well... the most sensual and damn sexy circus acts ever. Really check out her post. The Aerial Straps from Varekai are number 3 on my list.

What Else is there?

I was in a moody mood when I started this post and this song has been in my mind for really a couple weeks now. I'm missing Montana. Even though I know it's freezing now.
I was icked out by the weather. I dislike slow drizzly cold wet slimy days when they can't be properly enjoyed. (at home with the kitties, a book, and tea)Tho the weather has changed for the better. Yesterday was beautiful in Frederick, MD. I chatted with some familiar folks and met some new (to me) photographers and Models. ( an improvement of my previous visit where I only chatted with two people both of who I had plans to work with prior to the meet-up) Joanies Cafe is a haven for cafe lovers and artists and kitties. True to Dan's word there was fantastic art to see and some incredible people to meet. I got to see some new prints of myself in a couple photographer's portfolios. That tickled nicely. I also met a few photographers whom I had admired through the nets that introduction to a face behind the images was nice. I also met a lady who graces both side of the lens. I approached her and put forth a request for her to pose for me. She was enthusiastic and we quickly agreed to shoot each other. Now let's see if the meeting fruits.


I've been thinking about too many things that I either shouldn't be thinking about or are thoughts to procrastinate other thoughts. I've been musing on the reasons why I do certain things. (like modeling) And my plans for the future.

Since moving back to the area, I've run into folks from school and it's frequently a surreal experience for me. You'ld think it should be warm and fuzzy or comforting to see people I know again; that I would try to reconnect. Part of going to MT for me was a disappearing act.


A little on purpose and a little on accident. Prior to leaving ( a year before) I ended a relationship that would have progressed the normal way a healthy happy relationship should progress. I would be married now. I would probably have a child by now, or be planning for one. I would probably be nearly finished with school by now. But I wasn't happy with that direction at the time. I was feeling a lack of control with my life letting it drift that way. It was comfortable but didn't feel right. I'm not a roving vagabond, but I do enjoy my freedom. I have a few close friends which I latched onto at various points and stay in fairly poor contact with them, but I know they are there and I try to let them know I am here. I tend to let everyone else slip away emotionally. I see these people again and where they are in their lives I think about coulda beens. ( not tasty like Lima beans) I am happy with my life and it's direction. I'm just not sure of that direction. It's the mid 20 angst I know but I still am questioning my self more than usual and it's leaving me shaky in my judgment in other areas.

I always say I model to be a part of the process. That's a bit of it and the easiest part. I'm always looking for something new. Different. Inspiring. Exciting. Surprising. Sometimes this search brings me a person, an event, a place, a time, a feeling, a conversation, an experience. I continue to model as part of my exploration of everything. The world around me, the world within me.
I strive to be honest with myself and those I interact with. Modeling both enables this and challenges this. Because other people do not see me the same way I see myself, they do not see the world around them/me/us the say way I do. I enjoy seeing the finished results regardless of whether it's "me" or my image/body/figure because it's a window into the photographers world. How they view and experience things effects how they see me. When I work with a photographer I feel like i am entering their world and to an extent exploring them as much as they are exploring me.

I like Kollin's world.



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Photos are Copy written by :

First two Christopher Ryan
Third and sixth by Rob Guimaraes
Fourth by Eye of Ra
Fifth edited with permission (c) 2009fotofolios
The last three by kollinbliss



It was me on that road
But you couldn`t see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn`t see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nigthmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I`ve got a golden ear
And cut and I spear
What else is there?
Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares, sudden explosions

There is no room where I can go and
You`ve got secrets too

I don`t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish




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Birthday Suit

Suit.... eeew that's one of those words that just don't look right after spelling them out. It's my 24 on the 24th birthday this year. Unfortunately I'll be donning the "black and kaki" not noodles.
I actually do want to say more tonight but I'm completely bushed and really need to get to bed. Middle of the work week and all. But! I do want to boast about my plans to hit the town on Saturday and attend the 2009 National Book Festival Dual mission there; Listen to/ meet Lois Lowry, and take photos.

Both photos in this post (and the banner above) are from an early summer shoot with Mike Metheny www.loneshepherd.com While I was kindly allowed to edit these two, all copyrights are held by the photographer. The goal this weekend is to upload the rest of the images from this shoot onto DA and maybe finish my thoughts here.

a fresh start

Been sitting on this post for a while. I think I'll be posting more frequently and with less text after this.

I really wanted to make creative use of my spare room before renting it out. There are many memories in the window light and shadows of this room from when it was mine in high school. Then it was my brother's and he painted it orange. We now call it, 'the orange room' and luckily folks don't seem to mind the color. It's a cozy warm shade and I love, love the light in there. I wanted to get some photo time in and noticed the light on rainy days was nice. (we've been having a LOT of rainy days I don't remember spring being this wet. ) I set up a tripod and then played for a couple hours one day, a few minutes another day, and another couple hours a third day. It's been a couple months. (the room is now rented for the summer and not available for nakedness) The cats liked me playing on the floor and wanted to roll around too but i don't like cat tangled in my hair. That hurts.

In the photo world I've gone through a good portion of my own photos and begun purging the crap. The majority of images being dumped are tests, others are snaps that I no longer like or can't remember why I took in the first place. I've tried some new things in Photoshop and feel like I'm beginning to have a handle on how stuff works in there. There's more of a method to my editing with less guessing or accidental end results. It feels good.









I have a goal of going into DC and visiting something each week. So far that goal has failed to be actualized. I have been able to get my butt down there to visit the Sackler, the Castle, and the Museum of American Art. Lots more to visit and revisit. I have plans to go see this DC Artomatic thing http://www.artomatic.org/


I've crossed that line between creative outlet and professional interest with my modeling, photography, and future goals in both areas. I contacted a photographer on CL who had posted looking for a model. Instead of modeling for him, I was offered a job. It's sort of a mish-mash of working from home doing internet based research, and working as an assistant at the weddings he shoots. It's been great because each wedding has been really, really cool. This area is so diverse culturally as well as having a large range of venues where folks chose to get married. I love it. Basically I tag along and play. The scheduling is difficult to balance with my full time day/night job and the occasional photo shoot.



Last month I even got someone else to come down here and explore my house. Mr. mmk60 (or on DA where I hangout mmk60) That was fun! I tried some new things. (always good) We thoroughly explored my house from the guest room to the attic. He took some lovely, lovely photos. I do hope to work with him again maybe closer to his home.
Except for the first and last photos here (wich are self portraits) all images are © mmk60 2009

Home and a sticky situation

I apologize for the lack of words here since we left MT. I did attempt to blog from the road. Technology was not on my side that night. It was cell phone internet and right in the middle of the access to blogs with voluntary warning pages issue. I swear it was the most thought provoking and mind opening insight I could give into the world and life of an girl who models nude! :P

I am surprised that people read this. I guess I shouldn't be, but it's what I was afraid of.

We are home for now. And where is home? Home is where the kitties are. Home is where the bed with a boy is. (and all the fun things that happen in the bed, with the boy) Home is coffee and tea in the morning with bacon and eggs. Home is where the desktop computers are set up, with fast internet for our daily fix of super condensed information. Home is now also a bit of dog induced routine. Letting him out at 7:30 then the food and the treats. The evening ends with a walk before bed. He is like a two year old. He can't be left alone without entertainment or he gets in trouble. He is incredible needy and will whine till you pet him. All the reasons I like other peoples dogs. Because they ain't mine! The kitties are so adaptable. They have to go out into the garage to eat because the dog will eat their food. He's smarter than he lets on. There's a weirdness with windows in this house too. Two windows look into the garage from the living room. So we've set up a table for the kitties to jump up onto. Then they go through a cat door in the window. There is a table on the other side. They jump down onto it and eat there. Home is where the boy and I have our life together. For now, my heart is in NoVA.

Rick Jolson contacted me on MM almost immediately after I updated my zip code. I'm very glad he did. It was a wonderful afternoon. We played with light and Karo syrup! His playful boxer greeted us at the door and kept an eye on activities all afternoon. And his wife was baking cookies! Seriously! Chocolate chip too, the boy tells me they were delicious. I can vouch for that as I snitched a tiny little bite, for posterity. (not enough to get sick, but plenty to tempt further transgressions...) Rick was great because he keeps a dialogue going about what he's doing and changing and adjusting. I like that. Even if I don't understand the whys, I can understand enough to get the whats. And I like being explained to about the lights and the angles and whats going on around me. I really dislike working with photographers who talk down at me and don't try to explain what they're doing, assuming that a model wouldn't be interested in such things.

Ah ok. Rick knew what he wanted and was great at guiding me in the direction he wanted me to go. I don't move around a lot during a shoot. I change position when asked. As I get more comfortable with a photographer, and the photos they are taking I am better at knowing when to change and where to move to and when to stop. My enduurance is low, and it is hard for me to hold absolutely still for long exposures. I work best when inspired. It's very hard for me to cold start posing. Things I need to work on! Looking at the images after the shoot it was nice to see our progression through the afternoon. At the start I was stiff and awkward, the lights were a little off. After a bit things smoothed out and all the photos looked awesome. I am very very pleased with these images from Rick.

This was the first photo session where there was an image where I do not recognize the girl looking back at me. She is a stranger. I feel that this is a good thing. Blueriverdream is coming into her own. I can let her go and be not-me.

I go through phases of hating the idea of modeling. It always happens when I decide that maybe this is something I could do as more than an occasional hobby. Maybe, just maybe I could stand doing this regularly and have a more professional attitude towards it? Especially right now, where I feel like I would do anything for money. Ends need to be met and my skill set is feeling rather empty. And really how is modeling that much better/different than waiting tables? (figuratively, from a female perspective)

Whoa wait. I have a rule: Have fun. If this ain't fun I won't do it. Creativity, girl hang on to it.

Back on track here, this shoot was crazy fun. I like messy and edible. I had mentioned this fact a long with several messy and edible ideas in my e-mails with Rick.

Originally it was pasta, but Karo syrup presented itself. Lovely sticky messy stuff. Not popular with people who have floors that are nice and clean. :) It was strait to the shower after this. Only, I couldn't walk there myself. Lovely textures and lines there in these photos right?




I'm off to start my first shift at a new job. Then tomorrow will be crazy busy with most likely running up to Baltimore. An interesting opportunity on the way back. Then Georgetown with my brother for the evening. He'll be 20 on Saturday. I promised to take him out.

Yes I skipped the Dirty Show! We'll have a time warp back to that later...



All images in this post are copyright Rick Jolson 2009.

An answer to William Inge fans everywhere...

The boy and I have deliberated the possibilities of moving back east on and off since our service term ended in '07. Since Americorps was truly the only obligation keeping us out here, there has been no solid reasons for staying. My family is almost entirely on that coast, his as well. Other factors weighed in as well like job and school opportunities, public transportationn use, nearness to museums and, stuff. Things are turning out for this move to be much sooner than anticipated. After a bit of work on the truck, (winter wear and some vandalism where the rear window was smashed) we'll be on the road by the end of the first week of February.

My feelings on this move are mixed. On one hand we are very happy out here. We keep to ourselves and seldom "do things" so are content to be at home with the kitties during the long winter. (there's 2 seasons here: Cold and August) Seriously, it's beautiful here, breathtakingly so. The lack of mcmansion style homes and living was refreshing. The bustling and hustling of big city expectations are far away. It feels isolated, and small things (often big things too) remind you of that constantly. The mountains break everything up and mail takes an extra day to get here. On the other hand it's been tough. Partly because of the challenge living in MT presents to a young couple. And I mean that in a purely personal compared- to- the- idealistic- situation kind of tough. I know how good we got it. It's a long and far way from home and all the various forms of support family offers. There's been no opportunity to save or pay off small debts. So every little unplanned thing has built up to a nice deep hole, regardless of how carefully we budget and scrimp. We're the way my dad puts it "poor as church mice." But church mice are cute and cuddly right? We're not totally isolated like I make it sound. He has family locally that have been a great support and comfort. Also his parents have visited twice and flown us back twice. My own parents were never able to make it out here tho. I've seen my father twice in the nearly three years it'll be by the time we get back. In that time he's been divorced and now recently engaged. That means I missed the funnest part! The courtship! A Dad in courtship is about the best thing ever to watch.

Oy there's the brother. I'm angry at him. I'm angry at myself. Mostly I'm very hurt and sad. He's 19, will be 20 come March, and is very much still growing up. It is inexcusable the way things have turned out. The year I left was the start of my brother's senior year of high school. Because for some, him especially, that is such a fragile and turbulent age/time in life it has caused a rift in our relationship. Like most relationship "issues" the heart of it is lack of trust. He has been unable to trust that I am and always will be there for him when he has needs however small. He feels that I abandoned him at the most important time in his life. Whatever the truth or source of that statement, it is truly how he feels. He has cut out my parents from his life as much as he can (stand?) preferring to spend his time with his "real family," a group of friends. My opinion of these friends is biased, as is my right as "older sister," and judgmental. He's been angry and distant with me. Any time we spoke on the phone the conversation had to follow the most shallow of topics lest I accidentally say anything that could come across as judgmental.

This past summer I had a chance to be in VA for a week. When it was cut down to 4 days by airline flight cancellations, he took no time off from work since I was there to visit our father and not expressly him. He still wanted me to meet his gf and future roommates. I pushed everything to the side and agreed to go "hang out" in whatever way he preferred. This ended at 5am in the driveway speaking to each other through cell phones as an emotional barrier. I love him so very much and nothing will every change that. I can't make him understand that no matter how physically far away I am, he is still my brother and if he needs me I will be there. I don't know how to express this to him any further than telling him straight (which is what I did and always do, if I feel it I tell it.)

I've got to get back to sorting my spare computer parts into working-no-longer-Need!, working-still-Need!, not working-could-be-used-in-artsy ways, and not working-trash! That last one is the hardest, the parts in the first category will at least find good homes. I can do this, I once found a guy to take the 20 computers I had sitting in the spare room for over a year. He makes "robots" and sells em in his coffee shop. Great guy.. wonder if he's needing more parts? Here's photos from the petting zoo "back home" I went there with the brother, gf, and boy during the previously mentioned trip. This little guy was doing laps. Round and round and round. I think the heat was getting to him.

I totally love lemurs.

I have no idea what these guys really are, but they look like pancake-bear-cats to me. Oh and I really want one, because a pancake-bear-cat is awesome!

Lamb! Soft. But not as soft as llama! yes, yes out of focus. bleh

This cock was a twitchy fellow, he kept staring me down then twitching as took a photo. He was pretty tho.

This guy was trying to be a scapegoat.

Shiny pretty beetles!

These guys were sooo soft.

I swear this is the boy trying to get the ostriches to break my camera. I was still petting llamas.

The babies were so cute. So fun to watch all stumbly, and unsteady. The heat really was killer with the humid stickiness of a southern summer.

Ah.. the boy has just shared something truly wonderful with me: It appears to be an USB boob warmer. Any thoughts on this incredible device are most welcome. Wonder why they couldn't get a real girl to wear it?

I wish I had something of actuality to say. I don't that's the issue with this blog. I have nothing to say. I dislike talking blindly to an "audience." I'm not a habitual journal keeper. Anything I have to say to myself I say, there is no "hashing it out on paper. " I prefer imagery. I was an obsessive scrapbooker as a kid. Now I collect everything.

I often think of things I'd like to say in a blog entry, but then when it comes down to it, it seems pointless. Consequently, I have several unfinished, unposted "entries" hiding in the wings. I've thought about it on and off and I keep coming back to the thought that it has quite a bit to do with my personal feelings on privacy and how much of myself I reveal to the "outside world." Oh the Irony! A girl posting nude photos of herself on the internet and bemoaning the lack of substance in her own blog based on a fear of exposing herself! And why is that? Phooey is what I say. Maybe 2009 will be a me get over myself year?

Maybe I'll start telling stories again.

Once again: All images are copy write Life Is Great Images
with editing attempts by myself.

Nonsense

So things are back to normal around here. Sorta.

We've been off on adventures. We had a wedding to attend in Scotland and to get there and back again took some crazy travel scheduling. We traveled straight for 4 days. Did a shoot in NY during our stop over/ airport switch there. Had nearly every single flight as a red-eye. Stayed in a Hostel in London. Which in many ways was a highlight of the trip. I would highly recommend it to anyone between the ages or 18-35. It's the Astor Victoria and from talking to the fellow travelers there, is one of the cheapest true hostels left. Everything is self service, which in our age and budget bracket is awesome because it means you're not paying for services you either won't be utilizing or don't need.

The wedding was near Inverness, on Loch Ness in the Urquhart Castle ruins. It was a traditional Scottish wedding, sorta. Traditional in attire with kilts and sporans on the men. Other than that I've no idea how much of the form was formality for tradition or formality to show off. The bride's father was a professional wedding photographer. So of course, he did the whole thing himself. I was in awe of the bride. I'd been to weddings before, and met her before. But she was just astoundingly radiant. Lucky groom.


We had some weirdness with our flights so ended up on a 14 hour bus ride back down to London. There was a very, very short visit with my godfather and his family. Too short. But really good to meet the girls.

Then back to the States. We visited in VA for a few days. I ran around a bit with a couple friends and my brother. (all separate) I did manage to steal off into the woods of a park in the neighborhood I used to live in for a few photos.There was good drinks that day as well! And kittens! And an X-files commercial! And Rob and I need more shooting time. Definitely! And port!

Came back to the cats and work for a few days then ran off to Yellowstone. But that's another story. I need to post this otherwise it will never see light of day.