In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!

An answer to William Inge fans everywhere...

The boy and I have deliberated the possibilities of moving back east on and off since our service term ended in '07. Since Americorps was truly the only obligation keeping us out here, there has been no solid reasons for staying. My family is almost entirely on that coast, his as well. Other factors weighed in as well like job and school opportunities, public transportationn use, nearness to museums and, stuff. Things are turning out for this move to be much sooner than anticipated. After a bit of work on the truck, (winter wear and some vandalism where the rear window was smashed) we'll be on the road by the end of the first week of February.

My feelings on this move are mixed. On one hand we are very happy out here. We keep to ourselves and seldom "do things" so are content to be at home with the kitties during the long winter. (there's 2 seasons here: Cold and August) Seriously, it's beautiful here, breathtakingly so. The lack of mcmansion style homes and living was refreshing. The bustling and hustling of big city expectations are far away. It feels isolated, and small things (often big things too) remind you of that constantly. The mountains break everything up and mail takes an extra day to get here. On the other hand it's been tough. Partly because of the challenge living in MT presents to a young couple. And I mean that in a purely personal compared- to- the- idealistic- situation kind of tough. I know how good we got it. It's a long and far way from home and all the various forms of support family offers. There's been no opportunity to save or pay off small debts. So every little unplanned thing has built up to a nice deep hole, regardless of how carefully we budget and scrimp. We're the way my dad puts it "poor as church mice." But church mice are cute and cuddly right? We're not totally isolated like I make it sound. He has family locally that have been a great support and comfort. Also his parents have visited twice and flown us back twice. My own parents were never able to make it out here tho. I've seen my father twice in the nearly three years it'll be by the time we get back. In that time he's been divorced and now recently engaged. That means I missed the funnest part! The courtship! A Dad in courtship is about the best thing ever to watch.

Oy there's the brother. I'm angry at him. I'm angry at myself. Mostly I'm very hurt and sad. He's 19, will be 20 come March, and is very much still growing up. It is inexcusable the way things have turned out. The year I left was the start of my brother's senior year of high school. Because for some, him especially, that is such a fragile and turbulent age/time in life it has caused a rift in our relationship. Like most relationship "issues" the heart of it is lack of trust. He has been unable to trust that I am and always will be there for him when he has needs however small. He feels that I abandoned him at the most important time in his life. Whatever the truth or source of that statement, it is truly how he feels. He has cut out my parents from his life as much as he can (stand?) preferring to spend his time with his "real family," a group of friends. My opinion of these friends is biased, as is my right as "older sister," and judgmental. He's been angry and distant with me. Any time we spoke on the phone the conversation had to follow the most shallow of topics lest I accidentally say anything that could come across as judgmental.

This past summer I had a chance to be in VA for a week. When it was cut down to 4 days by airline flight cancellations, he took no time off from work since I was there to visit our father and not expressly him. He still wanted me to meet his gf and future roommates. I pushed everything to the side and agreed to go "hang out" in whatever way he preferred. This ended at 5am in the driveway speaking to each other through cell phones as an emotional barrier. I love him so very much and nothing will every change that. I can't make him understand that no matter how physically far away I am, he is still my brother and if he needs me I will be there. I don't know how to express this to him any further than telling him straight (which is what I did and always do, if I feel it I tell it.)

I've got to get back to sorting my spare computer parts into working-no-longer-Need!, working-still-Need!, not working-could-be-used-in-artsy ways, and not working-trash! That last one is the hardest, the parts in the first category will at least find good homes. I can do this, I once found a guy to take the 20 computers I had sitting in the spare room for over a year. He makes "robots" and sells em in his coffee shop. Great guy.. wonder if he's needing more parts? Here's photos from the petting zoo "back home" I went there with the brother, gf, and boy during the previously mentioned trip. This little guy was doing laps. Round and round and round. I think the heat was getting to him.

I totally love lemurs.

I have no idea what these guys really are, but they look like pancake-bear-cats to me. Oh and I really want one, because a pancake-bear-cat is awesome!

Lamb! Soft. But not as soft as llama! yes, yes out of focus. bleh

This cock was a twitchy fellow, he kept staring me down then twitching as took a photo. He was pretty tho.

This guy was trying to be a scapegoat.

Shiny pretty beetles!

These guys were sooo soft.

I swear this is the boy trying to get the ostriches to break my camera. I was still petting llamas.

The babies were so cute. So fun to watch all stumbly, and unsteady. The heat really was killer with the humid stickiness of a southern summer.

Ah.. the boy has just shared something truly wonderful with me: It appears to be an USB boob warmer. Any thoughts on this incredible device are most welcome. Wonder why they couldn't get a real girl to wear it?

I wish I had something of actuality to say. I don't that's the issue with this blog. I have nothing to say. I dislike talking blindly to an "audience." I'm not a habitual journal keeper. Anything I have to say to myself I say, there is no "hashing it out on paper. " I prefer imagery. I was an obsessive scrapbooker as a kid. Now I collect everything.

I often think of things I'd like to say in a blog entry, but then when it comes down to it, it seems pointless. Consequently, I have several unfinished, unposted "entries" hiding in the wings. I've thought about it on and off and I keep coming back to the thought that it has quite a bit to do with my personal feelings on privacy and how much of myself I reveal to the "outside world." Oh the Irony! A girl posting nude photos of herself on the internet and bemoaning the lack of substance in her own blog based on a fear of exposing herself! And why is that? Phooey is what I say. Maybe 2009 will be a me get over myself year?

Maybe I'll start telling stories again.

Once again: All images are copy write Life Is Great Images
with editing attempts by myself.

Nonsense

So things are back to normal around here. Sorta.

We've been off on adventures. We had a wedding to attend in Scotland and to get there and back again took some crazy travel scheduling. We traveled straight for 4 days. Did a shoot in NY during our stop over/ airport switch there. Had nearly every single flight as a red-eye. Stayed in a Hostel in London. Which in many ways was a highlight of the trip. I would highly recommend it to anyone between the ages or 18-35. It's the Astor Victoria and from talking to the fellow travelers there, is one of the cheapest true hostels left. Everything is self service, which in our age and budget bracket is awesome because it means you're not paying for services you either won't be utilizing or don't need.

The wedding was near Inverness, on Loch Ness in the Urquhart Castle ruins. It was a traditional Scottish wedding, sorta. Traditional in attire with kilts and sporans on the men. Other than that I've no idea how much of the form was formality for tradition or formality to show off. The bride's father was a professional wedding photographer. So of course, he did the whole thing himself. I was in awe of the bride. I'd been to weddings before, and met her before. But she was just astoundingly radiant. Lucky groom.


We had some weirdness with our flights so ended up on a 14 hour bus ride back down to London. There was a very, very short visit with my godfather and his family. Too short. But really good to meet the girls.

Then back to the States. We visited in VA for a few days. I ran around a bit with a couple friends and my brother. (all separate) I did manage to steal off into the woods of a park in the neighborhood I used to live in for a few photos.There was good drinks that day as well! And kittens! And an X-files commercial! And Rob and I need more shooting time. Definitely! And port!

Came back to the cats and work for a few days then ran off to Yellowstone. But that's another story. I need to post this otherwise it will never see light of day.

Nude but not Erotic

I model on occasion, usually nude. I like to think that it's artistic and tasteful. I certainly consider the photographers I work with to be artists.
I know that nudity equals boobs and that almost all of the photographers I've worked with are male. I know that I'm attractive, and that me being naked is usually a good thing. The boy and I joke that I make the world a happier place when I do this. I know that by posting my photos on the internet I may receive extra attention from sources I'd rather not know about.

So, all that said, why do I "model"? On my MM profile I say that, "I am interested in art, especially photography, as a process." It is fun, most of the time. I do like to get out there and try new things, have adventures, and meet new people. I'm finding that it is challenging too.

I'm learning about myself. I'm learning about my limits, my boundaries, and my discomforts. I'm learning what I like; how I like to be seen and what I want to show of myself. I'm finding that these are not always things that you can just know. I can make a list of things that "I'll never do" (like porn) but what about those in between bits (like erotic nudes or fetishes)? While I'm confident in my ability to say No and recognize situations that could become dangerous, safety and comfort are two (almost) totally different things. I've always believed that we don't truly know our personal boundaries until they have been crossed. Time after time I have found this to be true, not just for myself but from other models, even photographers. It's a very personal experience to find what you are comfortable with and capable of. I think it's called growing up.

Anyways, I like being nude i don't think that will ever get old even as I do. This goes way beyond photography and modeling. These just provide opportunity. For me it's not about seeing how these people see me. I haven't really cared about that in a long time. Its about the creating, the being a part of the photos. My favorite shoots are the more experimental ones. Where myself and the photographer are trying something "new." These tend to be technically challenging, rarely produce many "good" images, and involve me getting cold, wet, or both. It's a lot of fun! Fun with lights, LEDs, EL wire, dry ice, paints, liquid latex, water, underwater, jam, feathers, fabric, fans, new cameras, old camera, film experiments: I love it! Not all aspects of a shoot are always planned out, but I usually get a pretty good idea of what to expect and what I'll be asked to do.

I'm not big on me and sexy. I mean I understand that I can look sexy, in and out of photos. But it's not something I work on. Sexy requires a certain desire to seduce. I'm not seductive, attractive maybe, but not actively trying to seduce. This is compounded by a thing with my eyes where they don't work quite right. I can not (believe me I've tried) stare down the camera, or the guy behind the camera. Doesn't even work for the guy in my bed. Also, I don't find modeling to be a turn on in any way. Just, no. So when I am asked to "do something erotic" during a shoot, it doesn't exactly go over very well.

Because I am most eager to pose nude "erotic" comes up a lot. I am most comfortable in front of a camera nude. I am most uncomfortable in front of a camera immediately after being asked to strike an erotic pose. I have actually gotten angry with a photographer who would not move on with the shoot after I made it quite plain to him, (in my mind) that he was not going to get erotic out of me. I do not equate nude with erotic and I dislike that term being thrown at me in the middle of a shoot.

If afterwards the photographer or anyone else looking at/over the photos comments on a particular image or set being "erotic" that is fine. The difference is this is a reaction to the images, not something I was actively seeking to elicit at the time of the photo being taken. I am comfortable with honesty and if I can't be totally honest with myself and everyone involved, I lose focus and then interest in a shoot. I may even not decide not to shoot with that photographer again depending on the context and and my level of discomfort at being asked for "erotic."

I realize many people photographers and even models will go, " what? that makes no sense woman! Do you realize how many doors you have just slammed? Or how little sense you make?"
Yeah I kinda do. I'm not saying I won't do erotic images, I have and will continue to in the future I'm sure. It's just that I am not comfortable with the goal of eroticism in a photo shoot. I do not equate being nude with being erotic.