In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!

What Else is there?

I was in a moody mood when I started this post and this song has been in my mind for really a couple weeks now. I'm missing Montana. Even though I know it's freezing now.
I was icked out by the weather. I dislike slow drizzly cold wet slimy days when they can't be properly enjoyed. (at home with the kitties, a book, and tea)Tho the weather has changed for the better. Yesterday was beautiful in Frederick, MD. I chatted with some familiar folks and met some new (to me) photographers and Models. ( an improvement of my previous visit where I only chatted with two people both of who I had plans to work with prior to the meet-up) Joanies Cafe is a haven for cafe lovers and artists and kitties. True to Dan's word there was fantastic art to see and some incredible people to meet. I got to see some new prints of myself in a couple photographer's portfolios. That tickled nicely. I also met a few photographers whom I had admired through the nets that introduction to a face behind the images was nice. I also met a lady who graces both side of the lens. I approached her and put forth a request for her to pose for me. She was enthusiastic and we quickly agreed to shoot each other. Now let's see if the meeting fruits.


I've been thinking about too many things that I either shouldn't be thinking about or are thoughts to procrastinate other thoughts. I've been musing on the reasons why I do certain things. (like modeling) And my plans for the future.

Since moving back to the area, I've run into folks from school and it's frequently a surreal experience for me. You'ld think it should be warm and fuzzy or comforting to see people I know again; that I would try to reconnect. Part of going to MT for me was a disappearing act.


A little on purpose and a little on accident. Prior to leaving ( a year before) I ended a relationship that would have progressed the normal way a healthy happy relationship should progress. I would be married now. I would probably have a child by now, or be planning for one. I would probably be nearly finished with school by now. But I wasn't happy with that direction at the time. I was feeling a lack of control with my life letting it drift that way. It was comfortable but didn't feel right. I'm not a roving vagabond, but I do enjoy my freedom. I have a few close friends which I latched onto at various points and stay in fairly poor contact with them, but I know they are there and I try to let them know I am here. I tend to let everyone else slip away emotionally. I see these people again and where they are in their lives I think about coulda beens. ( not tasty like Lima beans) I am happy with my life and it's direction. I'm just not sure of that direction. It's the mid 20 angst I know but I still am questioning my self more than usual and it's leaving me shaky in my judgment in other areas.

I always say I model to be a part of the process. That's a bit of it and the easiest part. I'm always looking for something new. Different. Inspiring. Exciting. Surprising. Sometimes this search brings me a person, an event, a place, a time, a feeling, a conversation, an experience. I continue to model as part of my exploration of everything. The world around me, the world within me.
I strive to be honest with myself and those I interact with. Modeling both enables this and challenges this. Because other people do not see me the same way I see myself, they do not see the world around them/me/us the say way I do. I enjoy seeing the finished results regardless of whether it's "me" or my image/body/figure because it's a window into the photographers world. How they view and experience things effects how they see me. When I work with a photographer I feel like i am entering their world and to an extent exploring them as much as they are exploring me.

I like Kollin's world.



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Photos are Copy written by :

First two Christopher Ryan
Third and sixth by Rob Guimaraes
Fourth by Eye of Ra
Fifth edited with permission (c) 2009fotofolios
The last three by kollinbliss



It was me on that road
But you couldn`t see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn`t see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nigthmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I`ve got a golden ear
And cut and I spear
What else is there?
Roads are getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares, sudden explosions

There is no room where I can go and
You`ve got secrets too

I don`t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish




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a fresh start

Been sitting on this post for a while. I think I'll be posting more frequently and with less text after this.

I really wanted to make creative use of my spare room before renting it out. There are many memories in the window light and shadows of this room from when it was mine in high school. Then it was my brother's and he painted it orange. We now call it, 'the orange room' and luckily folks don't seem to mind the color. It's a cozy warm shade and I love, love the light in there. I wanted to get some photo time in and noticed the light on rainy days was nice. (we've been having a LOT of rainy days I don't remember spring being this wet. ) I set up a tripod and then played for a couple hours one day, a few minutes another day, and another couple hours a third day. It's been a couple months. (the room is now rented for the summer and not available for nakedness) The cats liked me playing on the floor and wanted to roll around too but i don't like cat tangled in my hair. That hurts.

In the photo world I've gone through a good portion of my own photos and begun purging the crap. The majority of images being dumped are tests, others are snaps that I no longer like or can't remember why I took in the first place. I've tried some new things in Photoshop and feel like I'm beginning to have a handle on how stuff works in there. There's more of a method to my editing with less guessing or accidental end results. It feels good.









I have a goal of going into DC and visiting something each week. So far that goal has failed to be actualized. I have been able to get my butt down there to visit the Sackler, the Castle, and the Museum of American Art. Lots more to visit and revisit. I have plans to go see this DC Artomatic thing http://www.artomatic.org/


I've crossed that line between creative outlet and professional interest with my modeling, photography, and future goals in both areas. I contacted a photographer on CL who had posted looking for a model. Instead of modeling for him, I was offered a job. It's sort of a mish-mash of working from home doing internet based research, and working as an assistant at the weddings he shoots. It's been great because each wedding has been really, really cool. This area is so diverse culturally as well as having a large range of venues where folks chose to get married. I love it. Basically I tag along and play. The scheduling is difficult to balance with my full time day/night job and the occasional photo shoot.



Last month I even got someone else to come down here and explore my house. Mr. mmk60 (or on DA where I hangout mmk60) That was fun! I tried some new things. (always good) We thoroughly explored my house from the guest room to the attic. He took some lovely, lovely photos. I do hope to work with him again maybe closer to his home.
Except for the first and last photos here (wich are self portraits) all images are © mmk60 2009

A Mess

Things are a bit of a mess at the moment. Both here, in the new house, figuratively, and literally. Nothing too bad; Just a little disarray.

A lot's been going on since we got back from our trips. We moved. There was no internet for a little bit. Lots of cleaning and shopping, and packing and unpacking. We got a lovely comfy gorgeous new mattress set. Queen, individual pocket springs, memory foam top, new pillows, good deal. (I've discovered that my pillow complex is because I'm a "side-sleeper") The whole thing was a combined gift too. We've mostly furnished the new place, just in need of a sofa/couch/futon/thing now. There's nowhere for people to sit other than our two computer chairs and the 3 kitchen chairs and the two camp chairs.

So online the mess is I've moved the blog, and changed names. Photos will be back in a little bit I have to re-upload them. I'm also working of doing some serious photo sorting done for the website project and you know just so I can look at my photos. Giving Lightroom a try. This may require a couple new hard drives and a RAM upgrade though.