Innate

Photos are by Kollin Bliss

I can't move them for some reason. They just want to sit here. I tried several times deleting and reloading em. Anyways e-mail goodies for the sharing!

From Merriam-Webster Online (first Google result): Innate

1 : existing in, belonging to, or determined by factors present in an individual from birth

2 : belonging to the essential nature of something

3 : originating in or derived from the mind or the constitution of the intellect rather than from experience

Ironically (?) the google ad was for a website about birth defects.

You may wanna skip to the end now since this post is the result of a week long simmer. For those who wonder, it has nothing to do with the boy. He is one of the few who is immune.

I have an innate inability to participate in the ego stroking that is a part of building and maintaining a friendship. Most would call it warm pleasantries. The occasions when i do push my qualms aside and offer the words or gestures being sought rather than my own true reactions, I can not do so honestly. I do know that part of what "friends do" is lie to each other when needed. Think abut that tho. You want someone to lie to you? It happens more often than you'd like to admit to yourself. I already have self issues. Knowing that people are more likely to lie to me than honestly offer their opinions only makes it worse. I do not believe that saying something nice when there is nothing of substance to say is a positive thing. I also do not build friendships on a foundation of attraction; Horrible idea. That's not a friendship it's a search for a weak moment with ulterior motives. I get the only wanting what you ask for and not wanting unsolicited opinions or thoughts. But when you are soliciting, you better be specific around me or you'll get what i smell. If you really need to hear something specific from me, do tell and I'll be much warmer when approached honestly. I am quick to bristle and often don't hesitate to snap. But I am honest. I promise to always be honest with you, myself and everything. If you can't handle honesty back the fuck off. I am not generous with warm proddings and ego strokes because i am offended to be expected to give them like currency for attention. I worry that the expectation of such is a reflection of my own actions. Do i come across as needing that much (that kind even) attention? Does my admission of enjoying being seen incriminate me as being desperate for any and all attention from those who like to look? I shy away from those with fragile egos because i won't be able to placate their needs. Call it laziness, but i don't have the energy to spare for that.

Again, old words and old thoughts

Jester

destruction

carelessness

you their child

The jester of my.

You weave a web in silver moonlight.

invisible,

ethereal,

powerful

You are my stupidity

my protection

my confusion

my selfishness

my innocence

formspring.me

What's the must have item you took to any photo shoot you've done?

Hm, mot sure i understand the question. I'm guessing you mean: what is the most useful item I've ever brought to a photo shoot? Or what do i bring to every photo shoot?

The most useful item i've brought to most photo shoots has been my hair brush. I have long hair and it tangles easily so should be brushed smooth between sets or even frames. I haven't brought that to ALL my shoots though because sometimes when you're in the woods, you're in the woods without a hairbrush. The other things i usually have with me are a snack and/or beverage, a knife, hair stick/ scrunchie, and a sonic screw driver (just in case). As a nude model I try to bring as little to shoots as possible. If i don't bring it I won't be asked to wear it. I'll bring makeup to studio shoots and will only wear it for location shoots if a) I'm being paid to or b) the photographer asked me really nicely to wear some.

Ask me anything

In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!